Harry Potter and Madam Dementor
by trali13
Summary: In which Harry Potter pretends to be Arthur Weasley pretending to be a muggle in a dystopian world where Madam Dementor haunts a house, and nosy Saint Potter must investigate. This one-shot will bring up questions such as: Who is the Woman in Black? Where is Molly? Why is Harry Potter not using his wand? And, most importantly, why did the creators think this was a good idea?


**Hey guys, thanks for checking this out. It's just my attempt at humour at 12am last night, and I didn't really properly edited it. I just watched Woman in Black a few days ago and I kept laughing because I'm such a Potterhead. Just so you know, I like the movie, and this is meant to be purely ridiculous.**

 **Also, I make references to _a lot_ of things so a virtual cookie to anyone who spots _all_ of them.**

* * *

The three girls played with their creepy dolls, smiling porcelain smiled. They heard a noise and turned to look at the woman in front of them. Very suddenly, it seemed like a good idea to join her in death, because, well, _death_. The stood up simultaneously. They began to walk together, crushing their china dolls with strength that little girls like them probably did not possess. Together they opened the windows, watching it swing, because, it's creepier that way instead of, I don't know, hanging themselves, because who wanted to watch three girls die _that_ slowly. They jumped.

Not together though, because the middle girl wanted a head start.

Because, well, _death._

* * *

"Another death," said a villager, staring at the dead girls with dismay.

"What should we do?" asked someone else.

"I've heard rumours," Everyone turned to look at the old man who had spoken. "Of a boy named Harry Potter and went delusional, calling himself Arthur. He can stop this Woman in Black,"

"How do you know?"

"Because everyone knows that this is just another spinoff to the Harry Potter series, but people are trying to cover it up,"

"That's me," the little boy said pointing at the picture, "And that's nanny, and that's mummy, and that's you,"

"Why do I look so sad," asked the socially inept and terrible father Harry Potter, more commonly known in the muggle world as Arthur Kipps (Weasley, damn it!).

"That's what your face looks like," Joseph said.

"Now, Bill, I know I look better with glasses, but I don't look _sad_ without them," Harry said.

"I'm not Bill," Joseph frowned.

"Yes you are. You are Bill Weasley, the first born of the Weasley family,"

"But I thought I was Joseph,"

"No, you're James Sirius pretending to be Bill. Like I am Harry Potter pretending to be Arthur,"

"That's confusing," Joseph pouted.

"I know how you feel kid," said the nanny.

* * *

"I know you've had it rough, Kipps -"

"Weasley," Harry corrected

"What?" Harry's boss of an outdated job asked.

"I'm Potter pretending to be Weasley,"

The man shook his head, "Well, you're going undercover as Kipps. Okay?"

Harry nodded, "Will I need my glasses again?"

"No," the man growled.

"My wand then?"

The man was appalled, obviously taking it in a more _perverted muggle_ fashion. "Y-your wand?"

"Yes. You know, the eleven inches one,"

"E-eleven!?"

* * *

Getting up from his dream about his dear Molly/Ginny's death, Harry blinked around, realising that he had fallen asleep on the train, because it reminded him of a train that set off from 9 and 3/4. He turned to a man in front of him, petting a dog and staring at him, and unread newpaper in his hand.

"Have we passed Hogsmede yet?"

"Next stop," the man informed him.

He seemed legit. Sure, he didn't have a beard and break down a door to the cabin, but he had a dog. Everyone knew that if you met a stranger on a train, they were trustworthy and loyal if they had a pet or a pink umbrella with them. They'd be your life long companion if they had both. You always know that if the person stared at you then he or she was trustworthy enough to give him a ride and pull him out of marshes.

"So you're trying to sell the Riddle Manor?"

Harry nodded enthusiastically. They were _especially_ trust worthy if they read your papers while you were asleep.

* * *

Harry entered the house cautiously, a sense of dread feeling him. Wondering why he didn't just _accio_ his paperwork, he strode in.

Well, no one called Harry particularly smart anyway. In fact, Snape called him "a dunderhead" who was "just as arrogant as his father". Which reminded Harry, hadn't James been the star of the old Woman in Black?

Harry's footsteps echoed through the dark and silent room, and a crow (an animagus, if you didn't know) was watching him wondering why he didn't use a _lumos._

Eh. It was more fun to scare random Potters anyway.

Some may wonder if the crow in its human form was a descendant of Snape, but Snape was too cool for a movie that had Potter in it anyway. In fact, the _Woman in Black_ should be renamed as _How Severus Snape Deals with Potter Ladies_ starring Snape _,_ and it would have been a great movie. Or perhaps, _Love Actually: A Guide to Lily Potter's Heart,_ and maybe even _Severus Snape: the Demon Barber of Fleet Street._ Basically, the movie should be renamed and recast to get a 10/10 on IMBD.

Too late for saving this movie now.

Harry grabbed all the paperwork from the Cupboard Under the Stairs, trying not to remember the pleasant days he had once spent in a similar room. He glanced at a few cards and things, before putting them down and looking at what seemed like a death certificate.

Something raced across the roof. Harry looked up. It sounded like little footsteps, but he knew there was no one but him in the house.

Obviously, he had never seen a horror movie, because he instantly went to investigate. A few rusted locks, closed doors, and dramatic music later, he finally found Crow-kun.

"Come on then," he said to the crow, as though he thought she could understand, which she could, but a normal crow wouldn't have understood, rendering his beckoning useless.

He opened the rusted window and glanced outside. He did a double take. There was a woman standing outside in the graveyard. It was impossible, he knew.

"Ms Crow, Ms Crow, have you seen. The Lady in Black that wanted to be queen?" Harry asked.

The crow cawed, offended that he thought she was a boy, momentarily drawing Harry's attention from the window. When Harry looked back, the woman was gone, as if she had never been there in the first place. Even without his glasses, though, Harry knew that it hadn't been a trick. That woman really had been there.

Here we pause to realise that Alan Rickman really _would_ have been a better character. Harry left the house, like a dunderheaded Gryff, and went to explore the lovely outdoors. A mist was spreading throughout the marshes, and someone sane would wonder why anyone ever chose to live in such a place. Ah well, Harry was in no place to judge such a place when his own godfather had lived in a Grim Old Place.

As hairy Harry hurried (ha) down the path, the mist thickened, and he felt a cold chill overcome him, much like when one would encounter a Dementor. At this point of the story, you realise that even David Thewlis would make a better protagonist because at least _he_ was sensible enough to carry Dairy Milk around with him. But alas, we are stuck with glassless and senseless Harry Arthur Potter Weasley (Kipps!).

A woman screamed. Harry, ever the heroic, looked around, frantically searching for someone to save so he could get his publicity back. His breathing came out heavily as the mist around his made it harder and harder to see. By now, a man and a boy had joined in the screaming.

Harry turned around and flinched back. Before his stood the man who had given him a ride to Riddle Manor. Past him were the horses Harry assumed he had heard.

"Convenient jump scare, huh?" Harry commented lightly.

The man looked at him weird.

* * *

"Mr Kipps," Mr Daley greeted.

"Weasley,"

"Sorry?"

"Never mind,"

Mr Daley stared at him weird, which seemed to happen quite often to Harry these days, even without his scar.

"Well, anyway." Samuel Daley said, "My wife doesn't know about the girl in the village that died. I'd be grateful if you didn't mention it – or children at all, for that matter,"

Because this Daley person obviously thought that Harry was smart enough to follow through. Or perhaps Daley thought that having dinner in a room filled with the dead child's photo would make it easy to avoid the subject.

* * *

"Elizabeth, NO! I already told you once to stop smoking so much drugs," Samuel screamed at his wife who was drawing a beautiful picture.

Harry stared with wide eyes, wondering how many tables they had to replace if the woman kept drawing things on it. Probably thousand if she drew every time she was reminded of her dead son in the _room that contained her dead son's paintings_.

Ah, the logic of humans.

* * *

"I thought some company would do her some good," said Samuel quietly.

Here, the Author ignored the depressing but character developing conversation to begin a talk of her own with you, the reader.

The Author must ask, what _exactly_ did Samuel Daley think they could have talked about? In what scenario did he see his wife _not_ freaking out?

For example:

"So, Mr Kipps, have you a wife,"

"I did. She died during child -"

"I had a child once, but he's dead, let me draw a picture, talalala,"

Or perhaps:

"What brought you here, Mr Kipps?"

"Work,"

"Ah? You work? Why do you work?"

"I must get money for my child -"

"I used to work for my child, but he's dead! DRAW DRAW DRAW!"

And even:

"Mr Kipps, do you like purple dragons that are unicorns in disguise who are wolves in sheeps clothing that also are friends with blue elephants and that stupid Jerry mouse and awesome Tom cat and they like to sing London Bridge at the end of each song and hug each other with that creepy sun in the background?"

"Yes?"

"Nicholas liked them to, he want to draw you a picture and sing London Bridge! London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down…"

You get the point, yes?

So let me ask you, reader, what on _earth_ was Mr Daley thinking they could have talked about?

The weather, perhaps?

"Do you like the weather today, Mr Kipps?"

"Yes very nice,"

"Nicholas likes it too!"

"Damn it!"

* * *

Harry pushed open the door and was greeted by an empty office.

"Mr Jerome?"

Nothing. Harry looked down because why not and was sure he saw something run downstairs. Perhaps Mrs Jerome? Bravely, he climbed down the stairs, briefly glancing towards Samuel for reassurance, which he didn't get. Harry's shoes tapped against the wood of the stairs, making everything even more eerie to add to the suspense of the upcoming (kinda obvious) jumpscare.

Harry came across a door and decided to be nosy. He peeked through the peeking hole thingy because, well, Mangekyo Sharingan. You can guess what happened next. A little girls face appeared behind the door. Harry jumped back, then inched forward because he was stupid.

* * *

"Alright," Samuel said. Any person with common sense could tell he was lying, but no one had common sense anyway. "I'll take him to the station."

Samuel backed his car up – remember, this isn't Harry Potter where cars and vehicles only show up if they fly – and then accelerated it forward. The town's men had a great fall, and all the town's women and all the town's horses couldn't put their ego back together again.

Harry wondered why he hadn't just brought back all the paperwork with him as he lit enough candles to burn down the house. Of course he wasn't smart enough to know chocolate would have helped _way_ more. It only seemed that the Author of this silly fanfic and its readers notice how important chocolate. Even those who find Sins in Cinema's didn't mention it in their video.

Of course, the Author realises that she is getting side tracked.

Harry searched for papers under the bed because everyone knew those were the most important ones. He looked up, jerking up and hitting his head when he noticed a hand on the window of the bathroom door. He quickly got up, knowing it was polite to wave back to such a sweet greeting.

Of course it wasn't a ghost. It's not like this was a Conjuring or anything.

* * *

Smart Harry Potter saw a face at the window. Smart Harry Potter thought it was a smart idea to stand _exactly_ where the ghost had stood, because that was _obviously_ the safest spot in the house. Readers often wonder how Smart Harry Potter survived the second coming of Voldemort, well now they know.

Harry turned around and his hands instantly knew where to go. He opened a chest that had been under some cloth and inside her found it. His hand shook as he reached in, knowing it was his impending doom.

Harry realised his greatest fear.

Paperwork.

Not even Death Note type Paper.

Just plain, ordinary Paperwork-o-phobia.

* * *

Harry leaned back. Despite just having read letters from a dead woman who had threatened and cursed her also dead sister, he was sleepy. Harry Potter was immune to creepy houses, and started dozing off, because sleeping in a house where he had possibly seen a ghost was a good idea.

Harry didn't notice the dog growl in annoyance, agreeing with the watchers. Potter-Weasley-Kipps was Smart indeed.

* * *

Harry looked out the window and noticed a hand print on the glass. Being the Smart Gryffindor he was, unperturbed by the previous jumpscares and creepiness, he placed his hand on top of the print. It almost seemed like it was his hand that had left the mark.

Before he could relax, however, a woman's face appeared on the window and screamed, "Don't touch me, you harasser,"

Harry immediately fell back. _He was not a harasser!_ If fact, he was quite a gentleman. Except when it came to Hermione. He was always mean to _that_ know-it-all, even though she saved his life countless times. Maybe that was Hermione who just screamed at him. She always did have a loud, annoying voice.

Harry realised that all sounded wrong, even in his head. Maybe that's where Harmione came from. Or maybe everyone just liked to ship every other guy with Hermione. Either one of those made sense.

* * *

After roughly five minutes of scary stuff which the Author decided to skip because she was too lazy to point out every cliché and everything wierd in each scare (especially that ghost that wet the bed. He needed diapers), Samuel arrived at the house.

The drove back to the town in which a very plot-important conversation took place, but no one really cared because they just wanted to get scared anyway. They arrived on a terrifying scene, which the Author is also too lazy to write.

* * *

Gripped by Zero Deafths (not _deaths_ ), uh, guilt, Harry watched as Mrs Elizabeth Daley bent over and grabbed a continent placed rock, starting to scrape a drawing onto the stone. Samuel conveniently walked in on the scene.

And so, the movie/story of plot-conveniences moved forward from there.

* * *

"If we can reunite Madam Dementor with Son Dementor, the perhaps she'll be at peace,"

"Or she won't" Samuel said, "But sound fun to drag dead bodies out of marshes, so let's do it. My life sucks anyway,"

* * *

They lowered the body into the grave, leaving him to rest with his mother, stupidly assuming that Madam Dementor would leave them alone. Their stupidity would please even Patrick Star.

"Never forgive," whispered the Woman in Black over and over.

Crow-kun flew over to her.

"Why do you want to kill him so bad?"

"That's my plan, you see," Madam Dementor replied enthusiastically, "He saw me, so I must kill a child. Other than that, I'm usually a very nice ghost,"

"That makes zero sense,"

"Yes, well…"

"And how come no one ever tells Kipps about you," Crow-kun pointed out, "If they told Harry before, a lot of things could have been avoided,"

"I noticed," the Woman in Black agreed, "But my name is taboo,"

"Why?"

"Cause I'm freaking Voldemort,"

Crow-kun stared at her for a long time, blinking her crow-ish eyes.

"Anyway," Crow-kun said, coming out of his dazed state, "You were remarkable decent when Harry was washing the mud off of him and Samuel was drinking heavily,"

Madam Dementor grinned, happily bouncing up and down, "Movie Logic!"

* * *

"Bill!" Harry yelled.

"Daddy, I'm Jospeh!"

The nanny rubbed her forehead. This family was so frustrating.

As Harry talked to Samuel, he didn't even notice that his little boy had let go of his hand, because Harry was a terrible father.

However, no one could doubt his love for his son, Bill, once known as…um…James Sirius. So, when Harry saw Bill walking towards the other platform, blissfully unaware of the train coming towards him, Harry did what Harry Potter was taught by Hermione to do. He used common sense.

In once swift movement, he pulled out his wand.

"Accio!"

And finally, Harry James Potter remembered he wasn't a muggle.

"Avada Kadevra!"

Now, it one last question left to answer. How much time and effort could have been saved if Harry had been smarter?

* * *

WAIT! Did Harry just ruin the second movie by killing the Woman in Black? Ugh, even in his most heroic and smart moment, he still managed to mess up.


End file.
